So, Anna's appointment went well this morning with the intake evaluation at Upper Bay Counseling. She was given a temporary diagnosis of disruptive behavior disorder. We now need to see a psychiatrist, behavioral pediatrician, developmental pediatrician, and possibly a neurologist. They see a lot of anxiety but she also shows a lot of symptoms of other psych issues too like ADD. So they need to weed out any medical concerns with her head size and brain growth that could be causing her problems. Her skull size is way smaller than it should be and there is concern that her brain is growing at the right rate and being compressed because her skull isn't growing at the proper rate. This can cause her attention and focus issues as well as anger issues. We really aren't sure what to think at this point because we can't see inside her head to see her brain and how it is growing without doing an MRI. So, my next step is to get the MRI done, go to one of the doctors above (behavioral ped, developmental ped, psychiatrist, or neurologist) and get them to read the MRI and determine what we need to do for Anna.
I am still in a state of confusion at this point and am not totally sure what the next step is other than the MRI. Unfortunately, I can't get the MRI done without having one of those doctors order it... I think we are going to start with the developmental ped since that is where we were before anyway and that was the first doctor to suggest an MRI on her brain. I have a feeling this road is going to be longer and more devastating than I am thinking it will be.
If you are reading this and you believe in the power of prayer, PLEASE! Pray for courage for Anna, pray for the doctors that are and will be involved, and pray for strength for me to get through this and be strong for her so that she doesn't get too scared.
Thank you.
November 22, 2010
November 19, 2010
What a week it has been...
I don't even know where to begin... I feel betrayed and lied to... I am just overall hurt... But I won't go into detail on that because it's something that I'm not sure if it has been completely handled yet... But here is what I will go into...
I came to the realization today that I will NEVER be able to be in a relationship with a man because of the things the men in my life have done ALL MY LIFE.
Let start with man #1. I won't go into a ton of detail on this one, but I was mistreated and lied to throughout my entire childhood by him. I am paying for his actions now. He never will.
Man #2. All I have ever wanted was to make him proud. Nothing would make me happier than to just hear him say, "I'm proud of you and I love you"... That's all I want from him... Here I am, 24 years old now. A single mom, full time student, in the national honor's society doing everything I can just to hear him say, "I'm proud of you" and I'm beginning to think that it will never happen.
Man #3. I feel like I've lost a best friend. He was always my favorite, the only one I could talk to, and now I can't talk to him. I'm trying to make sense of life and everything that's going on but since it involves him, I can't talk to him about it.
Because of those 3 men, I will never be able to be in a relationship with a man. I will never be able to trust a man completely after being lied to and feeling betrayed. I will never feel like I am good enough for anyone because of the lack of pride and love felt from #2. And I will probably do everything in my power to destroy everything good in my life because it's all I know how to do. I feel like I am losing my family, my best friend, and life in general. I am just at a complete loss after everything that has happened mostly today, but over the last whole week. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've lost control and can't regain it. It also doesn't help that next week isn't going to be any better and I will post about that later when I don't have everything else holding me down...
On a lighter note, the only man who has never betrayed me, lied to me, mistreated me or any of the above is God. I just wish I could really realize that right now while I sit here crying because I feel like there's no one I can talk to other than Him.
I know I need help, but I don't have time for me :( I tell all of my other single mom friends "Take care of mommy too, the kids won't be happy if mommy can't be happy", but I can't take my own advice :( And it's not even that I just don't have time for me... I don't have anyone to watch Caleb for me to seek the help I need. I don't feel like I have the support I need to take care of myself, do the things I need to do, and take care of my kids. I feel like I am really close to rock bottom right now and I don't know where to go...
I came to the realization today that I will NEVER be able to be in a relationship with a man because of the things the men in my life have done ALL MY LIFE.
Let start with man #1. I won't go into a ton of detail on this one, but I was mistreated and lied to throughout my entire childhood by him. I am paying for his actions now. He never will.
Man #2. All I have ever wanted was to make him proud. Nothing would make me happier than to just hear him say, "I'm proud of you and I love you"... That's all I want from him... Here I am, 24 years old now. A single mom, full time student, in the national honor's society doing everything I can just to hear him say, "I'm proud of you" and I'm beginning to think that it will never happen.
Man #3. I feel like I've lost a best friend. He was always my favorite, the only one I could talk to, and now I can't talk to him. I'm trying to make sense of life and everything that's going on but since it involves him, I can't talk to him about it.
Because of those 3 men, I will never be able to be in a relationship with a man. I will never be able to trust a man completely after being lied to and feeling betrayed. I will never feel like I am good enough for anyone because of the lack of pride and love felt from #2. And I will probably do everything in my power to destroy everything good in my life because it's all I know how to do. I feel like I am losing my family, my best friend, and life in general. I am just at a complete loss after everything that has happened mostly today, but over the last whole week. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've lost control and can't regain it. It also doesn't help that next week isn't going to be any better and I will post about that later when I don't have everything else holding me down...
On a lighter note, the only man who has never betrayed me, lied to me, mistreated me or any of the above is God. I just wish I could really realize that right now while I sit here crying because I feel like there's no one I can talk to other than Him.
I know I need help, but I don't have time for me :( I tell all of my other single mom friends "Take care of mommy too, the kids won't be happy if mommy can't be happy", but I can't take my own advice :( And it's not even that I just don't have time for me... I don't have anyone to watch Caleb for me to seek the help I need. I don't feel like I have the support I need to take care of myself, do the things I need to do, and take care of my kids. I feel like I am really close to rock bottom right now and I don't know where to go...
October 12, 2010
update
So it's been a while since I updated... I guess it's time.
Life hasn't been any different than normal. If anything, I think it's gotten a little more stressful. I've gotten to a point where I don't want to keep my mouth shut and let my dad treat me the way he treats my mom. I am not one to be silenced. Unfortunately, it's what I have to do in order to keep a roof over mine and my chidlren's heads. I'm beginning to think that all I can do is keep the kids and I in our "holes" upstairs, keep to ourselves, eat dinners with the family, and that's about it. I have no desire to spend any other time with my family. And that really hurts me. I've always wanted nothing more than to have a happy family who enjoy each other's company. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to be around anyone in my family other than my kids and siblings. That really hurts me. I can't have any kind of conversation like this with the person I need to because I just end up crying and the conversation is over.
On a lighter note, (yes I know I changed the subject abruptly... anyone wanna give some psychological analysis of that?) I got Caleb's follow up GI appointment scheduled for the end of October. I have started going to the gym to try and get rid of some of my baby weight and look a little bit healthier. I haven't been comfortable with my body since after I had Anna and realized that I wasn't going to lose all the weight just by giving birth. I gained 80 lbs and was in denial every time someone told me it wasn't all just going to go away... Well, 5 years and 1 kid later, it's time to get rid of it. Today, I weight the same amount I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant with Anna and I am not happy. So I am doing a lot of abdominal work, a little bit of weights, some stamina, and some back strengthening. Those are my goals. I would like to lose about 40-50 lbs total before I am done. I remember when I was in physical therapy after my car accident 2 years ago they told me that if I strengthened my abs and back muscles I would be in better shape and less likely to have back pain. So, I'm finally taking them up on the advice and going to get myself together. My first time in the gym I ran 2.4 miles without stopping. I can't run on pavement or on a treadmill because of the impact on my knees. The elliptical is my thing :) I felt absolutely amazing after the gym :)
Anywho, I think that is about all I have to update :) If anyone reads and has anything they would like me to post about, feel free to ask :) I need some motivation and it would help to know that SOMEONE is reading my blog :)
Life hasn't been any different than normal. If anything, I think it's gotten a little more stressful. I've gotten to a point where I don't want to keep my mouth shut and let my dad treat me the way he treats my mom. I am not one to be silenced. Unfortunately, it's what I have to do in order to keep a roof over mine and my chidlren's heads. I'm beginning to think that all I can do is keep the kids and I in our "holes" upstairs, keep to ourselves, eat dinners with the family, and that's about it. I have no desire to spend any other time with my family. And that really hurts me. I've always wanted nothing more than to have a happy family who enjoy each other's company. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to be around anyone in my family other than my kids and siblings. That really hurts me. I can't have any kind of conversation like this with the person I need to because I just end up crying and the conversation is over.
On a lighter note, (yes I know I changed the subject abruptly... anyone wanna give some psychological analysis of that?) I got Caleb's follow up GI appointment scheduled for the end of October. I have started going to the gym to try and get rid of some of my baby weight and look a little bit healthier. I haven't been comfortable with my body since after I had Anna and realized that I wasn't going to lose all the weight just by giving birth. I gained 80 lbs and was in denial every time someone told me it wasn't all just going to go away... Well, 5 years and 1 kid later, it's time to get rid of it. Today, I weight the same amount I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant with Anna and I am not happy. So I am doing a lot of abdominal work, a little bit of weights, some stamina, and some back strengthening. Those are my goals. I would like to lose about 40-50 lbs total before I am done. I remember when I was in physical therapy after my car accident 2 years ago they told me that if I strengthened my abs and back muscles I would be in better shape and less likely to have back pain. So, I'm finally taking them up on the advice and going to get myself together. My first time in the gym I ran 2.4 miles without stopping. I can't run on pavement or on a treadmill because of the impact on my knees. The elliptical is my thing :) I felt absolutely amazing after the gym :)
Anywho, I think that is about all I have to update :) If anyone reads and has anything they would like me to post about, feel free to ask :) I need some motivation and it would help to know that SOMEONE is reading my blog :)
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