November 30, 2010

The "meeting"

Alright, everyone has been waiting for this and here it is finally. Long story short - Anna met her dad this past weekend.

Here's the long version:

Brian (Anna's father) was never really around much when Anna was a baby and before we moved to Cecil County. He landed himself in jail when Anna was about 16 months old (about 2 months after we moved to Cecil County) and was there for almost 4 years. He went to jail for assault and robbery. Before jail he was a "gangster" and was always mixed up with the wrong people. I refer to our relationship as my "I was young and dumb" relationship. Apparently, my picker was broken (and still is) when it comes to guys...

So Brian got out of jail last Tuesday (11/23) and was apparently very curious about Anna. He wanted to know where we were living, how she was doing, when he could see her, etc... So his aunt Katie (who I have stayed in touch with through everything) texted me on Wednesday (11/24) and asked me if she could call and let Brian talk to Anna and I. I said, "Sure, why not?" So Anna and I talked to Brian probably for a total of an hour. I updated him on the recent medical happenings between the MRI of Anna's brain that needs to be done, the diagnosis from the therapist, the allergies, etc. I told him about her delays and how she's doing in school and all the other good stuff that two parents who are not with each other should share. Well, he decided to inform me that he was going to file custody papers and he was going to get a lawyer and all that good stuff because he wanted his rights as a father and he wanted to be able to see his daughter. So in an effort to "keep the peace" and make sure I didn't look like I was trying to keep Anna away from him, we went to see him this past Friday (11/26). We went to Aunt Katie's and spent the night Friday night. From the time we got there until the time we left, Brian wanted nothing more than to just sit with Anna and read her books, watch her play, play with her, etc. He was a completely different person with her than what he was before he went to jail almost 4 years ago. Anna was happy to have "Daddy", and Daddy was happy to have Anna. I had originally planned on Anna calling him "Brian" instead of Daddy since she had never really known him, but then after a few discussions with a few different people, I felt that it was okay for her to call him Daddy if that's what she wanted to call him.

So, now we have been home since Saturday evening and Anna has talked to daddy every night (except last night because mommy was sick) at bed time to say good night and talk about her day quickly before bed. Anna and I are going to make a "Daddy Calendar" so that we can circle the days that we will go to see daddy and we can cross off the days in between. In the end, everyone is satisfied with how things went and how we plan on things going.

Brian and I were able to sit down Friday night after the kids were in bed and work out (verbally, nothing signed) an amount that he will pay monthly in child support once he starts receiving his social security checks again, and we worked out visitation for holidays and "regular" visitation. I really hope things end up working out so that Anna can have both parents involved in her life. It means a lot to me to have one of my kids' fathers there even if it is only a minimal amount.

I will definitely keep everyone updated on how things go with this. While I am hoping for the best, I am still at an "I'll believe it when I see it" stage...

November 22, 2010

Anna's first diagnosis

So, Anna's appointment went well this morning with the intake evaluation at Upper Bay Counseling. She was given a temporary diagnosis of disruptive behavior disorder. We now need to see a psychiatrist, behavioral pediatrician, developmental pediatrician, and possibly a neurologist. They see a lot of anxiety but she also shows a lot of symptoms of other psych issues too like ADD. So they need to weed out any medical concerns with her head size and brain growth that could be causing her problems. Her skull size is way smaller than it should be and there is concern that her brain is growing at the right rate and being compressed because her skull isn't growing at the proper rate. This can cause her attention and focus issues as well as anger issues. We really aren't sure what to think at this point because we can't see inside her head to see her brain and how it is growing without doing an MRI. So, my next step is to get the MRI done, go to one of the doctors above (behavioral ped, developmental ped, psychiatrist, or neurologist) and get them to read the MRI and determine what we need to do for Anna. 

I am still in a state of confusion at this point and am not totally sure what the next step is other than the MRI. Unfortunately, I can't get the MRI done without having one of those doctors order it... I think we are going to start with the developmental ped since that is where we were before anyway and that was the first doctor to suggest an MRI on her brain. I have a feeling this road is going to be longer and more devastating than I am thinking it will be. 

If you are reading this and you believe in the power of prayer, PLEASE! Pray for courage for Anna, pray for the doctors that are and will be involved, and pray for strength for me to get through this and be strong for her so that she doesn't get too scared. 

Thank you.

November 19, 2010

What a week it has been...

I don't even know where to begin... I feel betrayed and lied to... I am just overall hurt... But I won't go into detail on that because it's something that I'm not sure if it has been completely handled yet... But here is what I will go into...

I came to the realization today that I will NEVER be able to be in a relationship with a man because of the things the men in my life have done ALL MY LIFE.

Let start with man #1. I won't go into a ton of detail on this one, but I was mistreated and lied to throughout my entire childhood by him. I am paying for his actions now. He never will.

Man #2. All I have ever wanted was to make him proud. Nothing would make me happier than to just hear him say, "I'm proud of you and I love you"... That's all I want from him... Here I am, 24 years old now. A single mom, full time student, in the national honor's society doing everything I can just to hear him say, "I'm proud of you" and I'm beginning to think that it will never happen.

Man #3. I feel like I've lost a best friend. He was always my favorite, the only one I could talk to, and now I can't talk to him. I'm trying to make sense of life and everything that's going on but since it involves him, I can't talk to him about it.

Because of those 3 men, I will never be able to be in a relationship with a man. I will never be able to trust a man completely after being lied to and feeling betrayed. I will never feel like I am good enough for anyone because of the lack of pride and love felt from #2. And I will probably do everything in my power to destroy everything good in my life because it's all I know how to do. I feel like I am losing my family, my best friend, and life in general. I am just at a complete loss after everything that has happened mostly today, but over the last whole week. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've lost control and can't regain it. It also doesn't help that next week isn't going to be any better and I will post about that later when I don't have everything else holding me down...

On a lighter note, the only man who has never betrayed me, lied to me, mistreated me or any of the above is God. I just wish I could really realize that right now while I sit here crying because I feel like there's no one I can talk to other than Him.

I know I need help, but I don't have time for me :( I tell all of my other single mom friends "Take care of mommy too, the kids won't be happy if mommy can't be happy", but I can't take my own advice :( And it's not even that I just don't have time for me... I don't have anyone to watch Caleb for me to seek the help I need. I don't feel like I have the support I need to take care of myself, do the things I need to do, and take care of my kids. I feel like I am really close to rock bottom right now and I don't know where to go...