I don't even know where to begin... I feel betrayed and lied to... I am just overall hurt... But I won't go into detail on that because it's something that I'm not sure if it has been completely handled yet... But here is what I will go into...
I came to the realization today that I will NEVER be able to be in a relationship with a man because of the things the men in my life have done ALL MY LIFE.
Let start with man #1. I won't go into a ton of detail on this one, but I was mistreated and lied to throughout my entire childhood by him. I am paying for his actions now. He never will.
Man #2. All I have ever wanted was to make him proud. Nothing would make me happier than to just hear him say, "I'm proud of you and I love you"... That's all I want from him... Here I am, 24 years old now. A single mom, full time student, in the national honor's society doing everything I can just to hear him say, "I'm proud of you" and I'm beginning to think that it will never happen.
Man #3. I feel like I've lost a best friend. He was always my favorite, the only one I could talk to, and now I can't talk to him. I'm trying to make sense of life and everything that's going on but since it involves him, I can't talk to him about it.
Because of those 3 men, I will never be able to be in a relationship with a man. I will never be able to trust a man completely after being lied to and feeling betrayed. I will never feel like I am good enough for anyone because of the lack of pride and love felt from #2. And I will probably do everything in my power to destroy everything good in my life because it's all I know how to do. I feel like I am losing my family, my best friend, and life in general. I am just at a complete loss after everything that has happened mostly today, but over the last whole week. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've lost control and can't regain it. It also doesn't help that next week isn't going to be any better and I will post about that later when I don't have everything else holding me down...
On a lighter note, the only man who has never betrayed me, lied to me, mistreated me or any of the above is God. I just wish I could really realize that right now while I sit here crying because I feel like there's no one I can talk to other than Him.
I know I need help, but I don't have time for me :( I tell all of my other single mom friends "Take care of mommy too, the kids won't be happy if mommy can't be happy", but I can't take my own advice :( And it's not even that I just don't have time for me... I don't have anyone to watch Caleb for me to seek the help I need. I don't feel like I have the support I need to take care of myself, do the things I need to do, and take care of my kids. I feel like I am really close to rock bottom right now and I don't know where to go...
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